Group Therapy
by ASGT and Kat Maximoff
Summary: Formaly Kelly's MadnessNo! Principle Kelly has gone mad and has insisted that the X-Men go to a place to try to make their problems better and help them love themselvs and eachother. And no, it's not Tahnit. It's worse, much worse.
1. Default Chapter

Ya know that disclaimer that I'm supposed to put here? Well... a funny  
  
thing happened the other day...  
  
~  
  
"WE WHAT?!" The X-men yelled loudly, causing Professor Xavier to be  
  
propelled backwards and on to the floor.  
  
"Yes, Principle Kelly has insisted on it." He replied calmly from his  
  
position on the floor.  
  
"I vould rather be locked in a closet vith I her/I," Kurt looked  
  
sharply at Rogue. "For half an hour zhen go to-"  
  
"Don't say it!" Kitty dove her hand in front of Kurt's mouth to prevent him  
  
from saying it.  
  
"Meelll." Kurt tried again, finding Kitty's hand still over his mouth.  
  
Sighing, he stuck out his tongue against Kitty's hand.  
  
"Like, eeewww!" Kitty shrieked drawing her hand away from Kurt's mouth and  
  
wiping it on Mr. McCoy's shoulder. "Professor! He like, I licked me  
  
/I!" Kurt seeing eh was free, tried again.  
  
"Vell, I some /I of us need et more zhan zhe ozherz." Kurt shot Rogue  
  
'that look' again.  
  
"Elf, knock it off." Logan placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder and he backed  
  
off.  
  
"Well, if that's it, Scott, please drive them to the-"  
  
"SHHHHH!!!!" They all made the shushing motion before leaving the room.  
  
"Um... Can someone help me up... Hello?" Professor X called to the empty  
  
room.  
  
"Ah , the children from the Xavier Institute." A rolly lady in a florescent  
  
pink jump suit said. "You're-"  
  
"Shhh! Don't say it!" The X-men chorused. Ignoring them, the lady  
  
continued.  
  
"Group therapy, is down the hall, three doors to the left, room 304." The  
  
X-men grumbled 'thanks' and stalked off. Who were they stalking? A ghost  
  
of a chance, that's who.  
  
"HI EVERYONE! MY NAME'S CANDI, AND I'M YOUR FRIEND!!!" The woman who had just identified herself as Candi cried happily when the X-Men entered the  
  
room. Looking around, they noticed that, besides Candi, a bowl of candy, a  
  
bunch of 'Be Happy' and 'Love Yourself' posters and a desk, and various  
  
stuffed animals and lots of chairs, they weren't the only other ones in  
  
the room. There were three more. A ragged man with dirty brown hair to his shoulders, and a huge over coat with various patches. A young girl of about eleven with a cow printed shirt, a cow printed back pack, jeans, a cow printed notebook and pen with a cow printed bucket hat. And lastly. A sweet old lady, dressed in a elegant purple dress that looked like it was from the 1900's, and her grey hair twisted back in an elegant bun.  
  
"So, let's all sit down and get to know each other, so to do that, we're gonna go around in a circle and say our first name, and a animal that goes with it, and then do a motion! And then they'll copy the motions that the people before them did, and we'll just go around in a circle! Doesn't that sound fun?" Candi didn't wait for them to answer before starting. "Candi Cat!" She made little cat ears. Since no one was before her, the next man went.  
  
"Egbert Elephant." Egbert (the man in the ratty overcoat) used his hand to make an elephants trunk. He then copied what Candi did for herself.  
  
"Daphne Duck." Daphne, the old lady in purple flapped her arms like a duck.  
  
"Emma Cow!" The hyper active 11-year-old stated.  
  
"Emma, cow doesn't start with an 'e'." Candi said gently.  
  
"Yes it does!"  
  
"No, it doesn't!"  
  
"If you don't agree with me, then I'll get my evil cow army to come and tear you limb from limb! Moohahaha! All hail the Cow Girls and Mary Ann!" Emma stood up on her chair and began mooing like a cow.  
  
"Mary Ann?" Candi asked.  
  
"Yes. Mary Ann. She is the all mighty and powerfull god! We worship her!"  
  
"Sweetie, who are 'we'?"  
  
"Me and my army of cows."  
  
"Oh. Now, copy the motions of everyone before you."  
  
"Candi Cow! Moo! Egbert Cow! Moo! Daphne Cow! Moo!" Everyone just blinked, but let her slight obsessions with cows pass.  
  
"Jean Jackle!" Jean batted her arm like a claw.  
  
"Scott Snake!" Scott put his hands up in front of him like he was praying, turned them so they were pointing in front of him, and wiggled them from side to side like a snake.  
  
"Kurt Kangaroo." Kurt started hopping up and down like a kangaroo.  
  
"Oww! Kurt, you like took mine! And so did Candi! Fine, I guess I'll just be. Kitty Karp!" Kitty then stood up and began to do the frog swim, keeping one foot on the ground. ((I.E. As Faye did in Mushroom Samba in Cowboy Bebop.))  
  
"This isn' gonna be fun at all. Rogue. Rogue. Rogue really doesn't wanna be here." Rogue said, crossing her arms and looking stubbornly at Candi.  
  
"Really isn't an animal." Candi said testingly.  
  
"Ah know that you imbecile!" Rogue shouted, standing up.  
  
"My. I see why you're here. Anger Management." Candi laughed.  
  
"That is like, a good movie!" Kitty chirped happily.  
  
"Shut up Kitty!" The X-Men chorused.  
  
"How about. Rogue Rabbit? Rogue Rhino?" Candi though happily.  
  
"Fahne. Rogue Rhino. Groooowl. Are ya happy now?" Rogue sat back down, crossed her legs and arms.  
  
"Ooh! That is like, a really good song! Don't.. Don't just walk a way, pretending everything's okay and you don't care about me. And Iiiiiii!"  
  
"KITTY, SHUT UP!" This time, Kitty got the message.  
  
"Now. why are we all here?" Candi asked, smiling broadly.  
  
"Because. I.I.. I. Am going to- I must get to the graveyard! I must!" Egbert ran up to Cindi and grabbed her by the collar of her pink and light blue striped polo shirt.  
  
"Um. that's okay. next?" Candi asked from her position in the air.  
  
"Well. you see. Lars' and I. **Lars is my dead husband, he died in a hunting accident. Ever since then, the neighbors started talking about us behind our backs, and I couldn't stand the vicious gossip. They said that no one hunted rabbits in their basement. Well, Lars and I did."** Daphne sat back down.  
  
"Eermm. next?"  
  
"Well, I'm going to speak for the rest of us. We don't know why we're here. Our principle, Edward Kelly," Jean was interrupted.  
  
"The Edward Kelly? Wow! I think his mutant registration act sounds great! Don't you?" Candi glanced around the room. Daphne nodded.  
  
"Mutants are evil! They must be killed!" Daphne said, pounding her fist into her open palm.  
  
"And I. I will dig their graves. The graves of those past. the graves of those to come.." Egbert said, grinning evilly and narrowing his eyes and rubbing his hands together.  
  
"Mary Ann is a mutant. She has the power to control all cows!" Emma giggled insanely.  
  
"As we were saying, Mr. Kelly wants us all to research the group therapy portion of the town, and see how it's funding is." Jean said, covering up quickly. She may be Miss. Perfect, but she didn't want to be hated by all. So far, everyone seamed to like her.  
  
"Sounds great! I think our funding is terrific! All right, who's up for a game of pass The Little Bunny Foo Foo?" Candi giggled. Everyone stood up reluctantly as she grabbed a white bunny from her endless pile of stuffed animals. "This," She gestured. "Is little bunny foo foo. And there is a song about him! Do you all know it?" No one nodded. "Well, it goes like this! Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping though the forest, picking up some field mice, and bopping them on the head. Then down came the good fairy and said, 'I'll give you three chances, and if you don't behave, I'll turn you into a goon. And you then do the same with two chances and one chance, and then 'I warned you, so now I'm going to turn you into a goon.' And who ever has Little Bunny Foo Foo then, sits down. Doesn't that sound fun?!?" Candi asked a little too enthusiasticly. She then blew into a harmonica, and began singing and tossing the rabbit around the circle.  
  
"Little Bunny Foo Foo! Come on! Sing with me! Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up some field mice, and bopping them on the head!" The song continued like this for some time, until everyone had sat down. "Oh man! Look at the time! My, how time flys when you're having fun! I can't wait to see you all again tomorrow! And before you leave, you can all have a piece of candy from Candi's Candy Bowl. Hehe! But only one!" She said, as she hopped over to the door with the bowl of candy in hand.  
  
Once the Group Therapy room was out of sight, Kurt broke down.  
  
"I'm sorry! I'm sooo sorry! Vhat ever did I do vrong? Vhy must I be sentenced to zis evil torture! Vhy? I'm sorry Rogue. No vone should be sentenced to zis!" He waved a hand back at the room. He then leaned on Kitty for support, sobs racking his furry blue body.  
  
"Shh. It's okay Fuzzy. It's okay." Kitty said, patting his back awkwardly.  
  
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I had fun, did you Scott?" Jean asked, with perkiness to rival that of Candi's.  
  
"Yeah! That was T-Riffic!" He said, giving a thumbs up.  
  
"I can't wait to go again tomorrow!" Jean said, giving a double thumbs up.  
  
"Save meh. please." Rogue muttered, as she pounded her head against the nearby wall.  
  
"And I'm sure you'll all be delighted to hear that you only have five more sessions to complete." Professor X said, once all the X-Men had entered his private study.  
  
"What?" Kurt, Kitty and Rogue all yelled at once.  
  
"Yes!!!!" Scott and Jean highfived.  
  
"Yes, and unfortunately, Logan and Ororo will be coming with you. After seeing Jean and Scott's positive outlook on the whole thing, I have decided to enroll them too." Professor X grinned evily.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!" Logan and Ororo screamed as Kurt, Kitty and Rogue laughed. They had had no right to laugh at them after all the torture they had been put through, and now. now. they had to suffer through it as well. Pay back is sweet.  
  
~  
  
Yo ha! This was just a random thought that entered my mind one day. I hoped you liked it!  
  
~ASGT, who has painted her toenails with a red sharpie, but now her nails look orangeish. 


	2. Enter Ororo and Logan

Group Therapy: Continued  
  
Enter: Logan and Ororo.  
  
~  
  
"Sorry there bub, but we aren't going." Logan said strongly.  
  
"Yes. You are." Professor X said after a slight pause.  
  
"Charles. Wouldn't you rather me stay here and take care of the New Recruits?" Ororo suggested, she really didn't want to go to group therapy.  
  
"No. Hank and I are taking them on a weekend trip to Wisconsin Dells."  
  
"Aren't we like, invited?" Kitty asked, stepping forward.  
  
"No. You aren't. Sorry, I do have a vast fortune, but unfortunately, it isn't vast enough to send all of us on a trip to Wisconsin Dells." Professor Xavier explained gently.  
  
"And what a convenience that is." Logan grumbled darkly.  
  
~  
  
"So! It looks like we have two new members! Can you all introduce yourselves?" Candi asked perkily when the X-Men walked through the door.  
  
"Logan." Logan said gruffly.  
  
"Ooh! I love that name! Such a strong name, like you no doubt." Candi gushed, walking over to Logan.  
  
"Sorry ma'am, but I am Ororo Munroe."  
  
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Candi asked, slightly peeved that someone had come between her and her precious Logan.  
  
"Yes. I am his girlfriend." Candi instantly backed off. "Well, okay. Unfortunately, Daphne, Egbert and Emma aren't joining us, but we have three other new members! Please. welcome. drum roll please." Jean and Scott did the cheesy over done drum roll on their knees. "Fletcher, Sophie and Samz." Candi gestured to the three new people. Fletcher looked slightly annoyed that he was here, and it was obvious that he would rather be playing video games with Dillon, or grabbing the author's ass. Oh wait, I forgot. He was pathetic and desperate when he did that. He isn't pathetic or desperate anymore. That's exactly why he went after the author's cousin! And after they all cuddled and all that jazz back stage! And did I mention after he kissed the author! And they weren't even dating!  
  
Kat: ASGT. Chill.  
  
Right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Sophie sat there with a pirate hat on, heavy eyeliner, a Pirates of the Caribbean t-shirt and had a bottle of rum in her hand. Actually, it was root beer. And Samz looked.. Different. He had blue and orange polka dotted hair, and one purple eye, and one pink eye. No, not the disease, the color. Right.  
  
"So. How about we begin by telling something special about ourselves?" Candi suggested, sitting down in a chair and hugging her pink bunny tightly as if she were afraid of the people in the room with her. If she wasn't. she should be. "I'll start. I'm Candi, and I have the annoying quality to be cheerful! High-five!" Candi jumped up and started high-fiving everyone who's hands were outstretched. I.E. Jean and Scott.  
  
"I am Jean, and I have the best boyfriend ever!" Jean leaned over and hugged Scott.  
  
"I'm Scott, and I have the best girlfriend ever!" Scott leaned over and hugged Jean.  
  
"I'm Rogue, and Ah have the strangest urge to barf right about now." Rogue said grumpily.  
  
"That's not nice! Say something better!" Candi shrieked, dancing to invisible music that only she could hear.  
  
"Ah have. a blue fuzzy brother." She mumbled.  
  
"Ooh! An imaginary friend! I have one! His name is Spamwakka! He is my bestest buddy ever! I loooooove him!" Samz cried, clapping his feet together to the invisible music that only he and Candi could hear.  
  
"I'm Kitty, and I have the best cooking!"  
  
"I'm Kurt and my mother was pushed off a clif. By I HER! /I" Kurt pointed an accusing finger at Rogue.  
  
"Woah! Chill out! You guys. I think it's time for conflict resolution! My favorite thing! But first. we must finish this! Go!" Candi said, gesturing for Logan to go.  
  
"I'm Logan, and I have the most kick-ass Harley ever."  
  
"Language," Candi warned, but instantly shut up and began mumbling incoherent things about her and Logan when he looked at her.  
  
"I am Ororo, and I have the best plants."  
  
"I am Samz, and I have the bestest imaginary friend!"  
  
"I am Sophie and I am the most fearsome pirate to ever sail the seven seas! Savvy?" Sophie looked around the room, daring anyone to contradict her. No one did.  
  
"And I am Fletcher, and I have the best ability to drop my pants on stage during rehearsal, but not during the performance like everyone wants me to!" Yes, Fletcher did and should have done this. Why is it that we have ongoing jokes about pants anyway?  
  
Suddenly, Sophie jumped up. "He lacks respect! Shoot off his cap!" She then raised her (wooden) sword and began jabbing at Fletcher's invisible hat.  
  
"No, sorray, but he lacks pants. Shoot off his cap." Rogue contradicted, pointing at Fletchers grey boxers.  
  
"Meep!" Fletcher tried to waddle off like a penguin, but he tripped and was caught by Sophie.  
  
"You will remember this day as the day you almost got away from Captain Sophie Sparrow!" She said, posing her sword at Flether's head.  
  
"Sophie. do you like, know Emma?" Kitty asked, looking at the sight in front of her.  
  
"Yep. She is me matey. Savvy?"  
  
"Yeah." Kitty mumbled.  
  
"Right. Conflict resolution time! Okay. Let's set up court!" Candi cried clapping her hands. A few minutes later, the room resembled a make-shift courtroom.  
  
((Note: What fallows is competley random and kinda lacks plot. But what else can you expect from me?))  
  
A chair was set on top of a table, with a chair on the floor next to it. In front of it where two tables, with two chairs each, and a bunch of chairs set to the site to be the jury. There weren't enough people to be the audience or witnesses. so we're just gonna call random people from the jury like you're not supposed ta. Okay. moving on.. Candi sat on the chair on the table drapped in a pink sheet, Samz was standing alert near. He was the balif. Rogue sat in one of the two chairs at one of the two tables, with Logan next to her. And at the other table sat Kurt and Sophie. Everyone else was sitting in the jury seats.  
  
"Okay! I'm Judge Candi! Logan. you may begin by calling a witness to the stand."  
  
"I call. Ororo to the stand!" Ororo walked up to the witness truth.  
  
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help us all?" Samz asked, holing up a comic book (Spiderman) for Ororo to swear on.  
  
"I do."  
  
"All right, Ororo, where were you on the night of Febuary 30th 2001?"  
  
"There is no Febuary 30th." Ororo said patiently, looking at Logan strangely. He was unusually cheerful.  
  
"Right you are! No further questions." Logan sat down.  
  
"Nice goin' there. Whay aren't you doin' a betta job o' defendin' meh?" Rogue asked, hitting Logan slightly on the forearm.  
  
"Because.. Whenever I am near you. I can't help it. I just get this feeling."  
  
"This! Sexuall feeling! Feeling fine!" A girl with her blonde hair in pigtails sang, running into the room. "Sorry to bug you all, but Sophie, I was sent here to join you! What's going on?" She asked, bobbing her head from side to side  
  
"Brittany! Okay, we're in the middle of a court case, to settle a rivalry between Rogue and Kurt. Savvy?" Sophie explained to Brittany.  
  
"Ooh! Court case? I'm helping you! So call Kitty to the stand! She has evidence!"  
  
"All right! I call Kitty to the stand!" Kitty walked up to the stand and butted Ororo out.  
  
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help us all?" Samz asked.  
  
"And then some." Brittany muttered.  
  
"I do." Kitty said.  
  
"It has been brought to my attention, that you have some evidence against the accused Rogue?" Sophie asked.  
  
"Now ladies and gentlemen. a tap dance." Brittany said in an announcer voice.  
  
"Brittany. now is not the time for your obsessions. Even I have managed to put mine on hold. Savvy?" Sophie scolded.  
  
"But you like, said 'savvy' and all that jazz."  
  
"Brittany!"  
  
((Note: the fallowing is a slight adaptation from Chicago. I needed to borrow it for humorous purposes. Sorry. don't kill me. please!))  
  
"Miss Pryde, would you please tell the court the object l'm holding is the one  
  
you have come upon in the defendants room?" Brittany asked, holding up a black diary.  
  
"Yes, it is." Kitty replied.  
  
"I submit this as an appendix. Rogue's diary!" Brittany said triumphantly.  
  
" I object! My client never kept a diary. Even if she did, this would be  
  
invasion of privacy and violation of fourth amendment and illegal search  
  
without a warrant" Logan said, getting up off the floor.  
  
"Yeah! And she broke tha lock!" Rogue roared.  
  
"Order! Well, that settles that. I'll allow it." Candi said perkily.  
  
"What's the big deal? She's the one that did it!" Rogue said, referring to Kitty.  
  
"Would you read for us, Miss. Pryde?" Brittany asked.  
  
"I haven't worked in a while. But like, okay!" Kitty said happily  
  
"What are you talkin' about? You've never worked!" Rogue shot.  
  
" 'What a laugh, plucking Mystique. The big baboon had a common. I'm just sorry I only got to kill her once.'" Kitty said, reading Rogue's diary.  
  
"Ah never wrote that!" Rogue said, standing up, turning the table over, and grabbing the book from Kitty's hands. She then tore it into shreds and sprinkled it over Brittany's head.  
  
"You were too early on the 'tapdance' line." Rogue said to Brittany before leaving the room.  
  
"Oh well. I'm going to sing. Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it  
  
And the reaction will be passionate  
  
Give 'em the old hocus pocus  
  
Bread and feather 'em  
  
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?  
  
What if your hinges all are rusting?  
  
What if, in fact, you're just disgusting ?  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
And they'll never catch wise!  
  
Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous  
  
Row after row will grow vociferous  
  
Give 'em the old flim flam flummox  
  
Fool and fracture 'em  
  
How can they hear the truth above the roar?  
  
Roar, roar, roar.  
  
Throw 'em a fake and a finagle  
  
They'll never know you're just a bagel,  
  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
  
And they'll beg you for more!" Brittany finished with a stance and jazz hands.  
  
"Noo! Rogue! My love!" Logan called, throwing on his hat and chasing her out the hall.  
  
"I am never coming back here." Ororo muttered.  
  
~  
  
Okay. I forgot a few things. Last chapter: The Lars monologue was written by William Gleason. I borrowed it. I also borrowed the 'He lacks respect, shoot off his cap' line from the guy who wrote The Mouse that Roared. I already borrowed the Chicago jazz from Chicago. I had to do that. because. you see. Brittany was obsessed with Chicago.  
  
~ASGT 


End file.
